Welcome to this mini expo on dating or being in a relationship with a kinky person that most people may not know exist..but does.
At the end of this you are welcome to leave a message or respond with any questions and or comments..
Here i'm going to try my best to write from both perspectives based on my experience along with other conversations that have occurred among the kinky and vanilla ("normal") community. For those who are unfamiliar with certain terminology I will try my best to keep it short and simple. So i'm just going to dive right in with no particular order first and foremost I want to talk about basic needs in the beginning stage of dating a person of particular sexual interest (kinkster).
In most cases dating a kinkster sometimes can be right upfront about what is expected for future bedroom shenanigans and sometimes it takes a while to feel comfortable with a person. We all know people can be upfront rude, so some reactions can be surprising introducing your behind the scenes to a stranger that is someone your getting to know. I've have dated people leave the table and exit the back door with no notice, I've have had people offer me sex on the first date thinking "oh your kinky so that means your slutty" witch doesn't share the same family at all. There's also the, what we are going to refer to as a 'yes man' who's okay with the fact that your kinky but want nothing to do with it, and you have the people who are semi open minded that are willing to learn. Bottom line is you never know witch reaction your going to get from a vanilla there are hundreds of scenarios.
Moving along past the first couple of dates if you've made it this far a kinkster thinks you may have what it takes to satisfy their basic needs. A little smack on the ass here, a little aggressive choke there, maybe some biting and foreplay. What a vanilla needs to pay more attention to is key words, because trust me we are dropping hints. Messing around with your mind to see where your limits may lay. Also pay attention to what kind of person they describe their previous encounters or relationships to be like, we are also dropping hints there. I personally have a friend who always on first dates refer to her previous partner as a scorpio, even if they aren't a scorpio that sign in particular usually sets the tone in some peoples minds like, 'oh okay she likes freaks'. Scorpios are known to be a very sexual zodiac sign.
One last thing for vanillas to pay attention to is when the last time their date had one of their kinky experiences. Explore that conversation to see where your kinkster has gone already and see if that's something you are open to. Try and do some homework, show interest. What a lot of vanillas don't realize is in this dating phase more than likely it's been a while since we've had a session (BDSM play time). So dating a vanilla can be very tedious depending on the type of kinkster your dealing with. And trust me you don't want a sneaky or in the closet kinkster especially if you want to build a future with them. Not satisfying basic kinkster needs will send us into withdraw. What does BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism) withdraw looks like?... here are a few to think about
Fending for pain like tattoos or piercings
Not getting off during sex
Cheating or seeing other people
On the edge of a psychological break for S&M (witch is not at all pretty or safe in some cases)
Not in any particular order so lets talk about the fending for pain stage. This stage your kinkster is not getting the normal amount pain and pleasure they need to get through that week. So they start looking for other ways to satisfy the pain feeling to then maybe masturbate shortly after their fresh piercing or tattoo. That short term pain could cause an arousal for the kinkster and send them to another planet. That's just one example. Faking organism is a pretty easy topic, if you know you know. Faking an orgasm because the sex maybe boring, the same ole same ole positions, nothing exciting or fun, experimental. Cheating or seeing other people sometimes happens following the fake orgasm stage. Not feeling as though your vanilla partner is trying enough or at all to satisfy your desires. Then you have the break, this person has been bottling up for sometime now. Playing it safe for months being the perfect vanilla equal and then one day you can't take it anymore. You loose insight of the rules to BDSM this is when you break any an every rule to get the maximum amount of pain and pleasure all at once to make up fro lost time. This could lead to death.
Moving down to the relationship aspect of things if your over six months in and you can count on your fingers how many times you have spanked or tried any form of role play with toys, dressing up or anything then your cutting it close to the rocks. Your kinkster is being very very very patient with you. This person is holding on to love, lust, companionship or whatever is floating your boat with your significant other because they know their desires may have to go on hold for a while. During this time they may be open about it in the beginning purchasing toys, wands, chains to get a reaction from you. If you do not acknowledge this then that sends signals to us your not interested, or you get 'yes man' or woman who will toy with the idea a of liking this object but will never reach or touch the object to perform with. Witch will later cause a massive block of confusion and may lack sexual activity or even talking about sex in near future. After this phase you sometimes you will get you a 'In the closet kinkster'.
How do you know if you have a in the closet kinkster?
Lots of money spent with nothing to show for it mostly on sessions.
Fake orgasms or loss of interest for sex
Hiding certain friends and objects
Covering up scars from play dates with makeup or clothes
During this time you may not have a in the closet kinkster may they still want to do what seems to be the right thing. This kinkster will become persuasive with an open relationship, swinger clubs, polyandrous relationships and so forth. Still trying to include your vanilla partner in the atmosphere of what you are drawn to. Showing you physically what she/he would like from their significant other. An immature person will just hear threesome and be all over it until you see your mate getting spanked and flogged right in front of you. Now's not the time for chattering your teeth. Get to it! If you have lasted longer than six months with your kinkster and they are still acting perfectly normal now is the time to check in on them. Go back to the first couple of dates in your mind, check out her attire, her toy collection, read between the lines of what your kinkster is asking of you. If you continue to ignore their desires they will eventually seek it from another person and it will be closed not open. It will be behind a door that you will one day open and could break your heart. Don't ignore the signs.
For some kinksters I know being patient sucks but extend that extra leg or find another kinky person as such as yourself. As humans we can't always have our cake and eat it too. If your mate is trying, take the time to appreciate the small things show gratitude in any way possible. It can be hard for both parties. I can only imagine being vanilla stepping into a kinky world for your partners desires. It takes bravery and fearlessness for both people to come to some common ground of comfortably.
Go home tonight and pick up her toys and ask questions one by one or if you more advanced go home and wrap your belt around her neck and play with her kitty make her cum if your a woman go home and start off with his favorite toy after an intimate dinner. Make happy hour an happy hour. Of course there are many alternatives to every type of situation. These are a few I decided to share.
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